Being high-performance kind instead of low-performance nice was an idea that resonated with a lot of you. I know that because I received a number of responses with thoughts on the topic.

J., for example, said that in his experience, when it comes to hard situations, the kind thing to do is almost never the nice thing to do. And that’s interesting because if you think you’re being nice, an interesting question to ask is what are you actually being?

Then Russell (Hoya Saxa!) said the story reminded him of the radical candor approach to feedback, which is something he has “tried” to bring to his workplace (and I assume his attempts were met with resistance since direct challenges are generally considered not to be nice). My experience is that radical candor is neither nice nor kind, but that it is interesting.

Also Matthew sent me to Adam Grant’s 19 words of feedback wisdom, which I hadn’t seen before but found spot on and useful: “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I am confident you can reach them.” This is not a framework I’d encountered before, but I appreciated it. Tough love is an interesting concept in that it’s an oxymoron that also makes sense. It’s important not to be paternalistic in a professional environment, but it is ok to be demanding (but if and only if you also demonstrate what it means to be accountable). To that end, and at the risk of digressing, another interesting thing I was sent over the summer was Ravi Gupta’s defense of confrontation…because when there is no confrontation, there is only mediocrity.

Finally, Jason weighed in and said that “very often the recipient of the hard truth probably already sort-of knows” and “There’s a good chance…that they will end up feeling relieved, and it could actually improve their performance.” This was interesting to me because telling someone exactly where they stand if it’s not great, could potentially destroy a relationship. But not telling someone where they stand, could destroy their career. So which is nice and which is kind? And which is easier/harder on you/them?

I don’t know that there are crisp, clean answers in situations like these, but as Gupta concludes in his missive, something could not be your fault, but could very well still be (or become) your problem. And if that’s the case, I think it makes sense to be kind, not nice, even if it seems harder at the time.

-Tim

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