More of What You Like
My son started high school a few weeks ago (I’m as shocked as you are), so naturally he is getting more and more questions about what he’s going to do next. “Where are you going to go to college and what are going to study” his friends, cousins, neighbors, grandparents and, yes, even his parents want to know?
His unsatisfying answer to this and many other things asked of this 14-year-being is some form of “Uh, I dunno.”
Now, it’s tempting here to blame him for being 14 and therefore not putting in the effort nor having the conviction to have a clear plan (the Ennui character in Inside Out 2 really hit home), but it dawned on me the other day when hearing someone else ask it of him that perhaps “Where are you going to go to college and what are you going to study?” is not a helpful question. That double-dawned on me when I read Henrik Karlsson’s post on Unfolding.
Henrik’s epiphany is that all of the things that have turned out well in his life are the result of paying attention to what he liked to do and finding ways to do more of it. The reason this is so is because these things were good fits between form and context and so therefore felt natural and were predisposed to good outcomes. Other things that turned out less well were visions, which while aspirational were neither natural nor enjoyable and therefore not achievable.
You can read Henrik’s post for more ideas around how to embrace and accelerate unfolding on your own, but I think a complementary idea is that we all shouldn’t expect others to be able to bear the burden of unfolding on their own. And further, that we can be counterproductive to that cause if we ask questions that force others to vision rather than unfold.
“Where do you want to be in five years?” is such a question.
So is “What’s your target growth rate?”
And “Where are you going to go to college and what are you going to study?” is as well.
But all of these could be replaced by asking “What do you like to do and how might I help you do more of it?” And I think that’s a better question. So I’m going to ask my son that, though since he’s 14 I’m pretty sure the answer will still be “Uh, I dunno.”
– Tim
